I was talking to a friend just now, and I realized something:
I would really like it if you would all send me some money.
I don't mean that you have to get together, have a meeting, phone conference, chatroom gathering, whatever--the logistics of that are absurd--but I mean that, individually, if you could send me some money, I would really like that.
Look, we all like money. Even people who claim they don't like money (Buddhists, my first wife)--they all like money a lot. Money can get you things that not money cannot.
Maybe if you are a Buddhist, or another religion that does not believe in money, you might be thinking, "Money cannot get you into heaven because of a metaphor involving a camel and a needle."
For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God
So says the Book. Well, the Book was written at least two thousa
nd years ago, before we had the ability to breed really small camels, and really huge needles. Like, have you seen that clothespin in Philadelphia?
If the Swedes can do that to a clothespin with a few thousand dollars, imagine what they can do to a needle. And to a camel trying to get through that needle.
What I'm saying is I only want a few dollars. They can be crumpled. They can be in coin form. Maybe you have some pesos or Euros lying around that you will not be needing anymore...you can simply send those to me via PayPal (just insert the coins/bills into your fax machine/desktop coin slot) and then I will use them to buy food and not-hookers I promise. I may even buy you a present with the money you send (N.B. the present is my happiness.)
Tomorrow is my payday. We all know that I am immediately going to cash the check and blow it on fruit wine and maybe a Gremlins lunchbox.
Also I have a terrible buildup of wax in my right ear that does not seem to go away, even when I dump pop rocks onto it. Now there is even a small rip in my Brooks Brothers chinos. I am so poor that I have to resort to not paying for my music. Can you believe how low I've fallen? Shorty I'm low low low low low low low low.
I cannot even afford a blanket anymore. I just lie down at night and set my bed on fire. This is especially troubling because I am always hot when I lie down and I need something to cool me down, and not fire. The developed world is rife with possibilities of things that could make me cold at night: ice packs. Refrigerator/freezer combo. The Canada. Kool Moe Dee. A Bizarro microwave. Eating a plate of rice on Saturn. Lemonade.
All of these things can be bought with the money you send me. I don't have a spokesperson, I don't have a corporate sponsor, I don't have a sexy picture of myself with half of a beard.
Oh wait, I do have that last thing:
Send money, my friends. Half this half-bearded man have enough money to buy a new razor, and also a smile.
Probably a haircut too