Yesterday I Ate It

"Yesterday I Ate It"
A Sonnet in Prose


As blog devotees know, I use a skateboard to get around here in Chiang Mai, despite my having the coordination of an incontinent meth-addict with no knees. I don't have a bicycle or motorbike or car or anything practical, and so I take my skateboard everywhere--on the highways, on surface streets, to the countless whorehouses that I frequent. The worst that had happened to me for many months was that a pickup truck had run over the front of my board after I unsuccessfully tried to Michael-J-Fox-in-Back-to-the-Future it around a corner. No harm to me, or to the board, incredibly. Only to my ego, as a flock of girls waiting at the red light giggled at me. It was all right though, because it gave me an opportunity to shrug my shoulders, flash a gang sign at them, and go, "Oh, gnarly!" Then I shimmied my shoulders and we all got Chinese food.

Well, yesterday I ate it. I was skating to dinner, going over some speed bumps, mean-muggin' at some bros, whatever. So I saw a speed bump coming up that was not well-paved, and so there was a big lip between the ground and the bump. I had about one feet in between the speed bump and a concrete wall to maneuver around, and it was kind of dark, but I thought I could make it.

Napoleon also thought he could make it to the Pacific. I rolled along, going at a pretty good speed, still mean-muggin', and all of a sudden, right next to the speed bump, my board stopped and I went flopping forward, landing flat on my stmoach with an "Uhhhh." Then I yelled "FUCKING SHIT."

Looked to my right: hotel guards absolutely cracking up. DYING. I looked back at the speed bump. There was a rather large piece of gnarled metal that I tried to skate over, about six inches high. I.E. bigger than my damn wheels. Didn't make it over. I ate pebbles. I ate dirt. I ate it.

I'm okay, a little scratched up, my neck is Frankenstiff, elbows a little sore, but overall I'm chillin, ready to go out there again, grind some pipe, mean-mug, gnarl around, whatever. But I thought that you should know that yesterday, I ate it like I've never ate it before. And I've eaten a lot of things in my life, but never anything like that.

Finally, I would like to say that I would love a giant sticker of Bobby Flay's face for my skateboard. So, if you see one of those, please give it to me. Because when I skate, I skate raw, ya'll.

My god what i am even talking about anymore.

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