In the coming week or so I will be moving into a retirement community at age 23, part of a misguided, nonsensical attempt to live my life patterned to what I assume the plot of Benjamin Button to be. As part of the move I will now be watching 60 Minutes on a regular basis and nodding in vigorous agreement with everything that Andy Rooney says (well, as vigorously as my jowls will allow me to).
The lead story on this week's 6T Mins was a subject that was very near to my heart--as well as to my pelvis--that of small penises. Apparently a group of chemicals called "phthalates" [pron. "fal-ate", the same pronunciation as "phallate," def. "of or relating to the phallus"], which are used in EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD, have been linked in a famous study to smaller penises in boys who were exposed to phthalates while in the womb. This research was presented in the so-called "Swan Study," so called because the research was carried out by a Dr. Swan and not because the tiny penises eventually blossomed into larger, more normal-sized penii. To quote a website that may well be entirely unreliable:
A sobering study suggests that exposure to phthalates before birth may under-virilize boys, which can be seen with a shorter penis length, thinner penis width, smaller and less distinct scrotum, shorter distance between the anus and scrotum, and higher likelihood of undescended testicles.
Read more: http://www.drgreene.com/blog/2005/05/27/smaller-penis-size-and-phthalates#ixzz0oo3nJgoA
Thank you, Dr. Greene; you can go hang out with Dr. Carter and Nurse Hathaway in the break room now.
It is easy to see why this pressing issue was the lead story on "60 Minutes" (or "60 Millimeters" as it was being called this week). There are perhaps more dramatic enemies of the United States--urban gangs, terrorists international and domestic, the Jews. But I would guess that there is no greater threat to the collective male American psyche than the fear of having a package-peanut ding-a-ling.
One only need to watch the advertisements for 60 Minutes to know that men are at least thinking about their celery stalks. About 30% of all the commercials tonight, and most nights, I believe, feature affluent-looking, silver-haired men in tweed jackets or Navy blue blazers giving themselves pep talks about how to approach their doctors about cock starches like Viagra or Cialis. For it is one thing for a man's oil tower to suddely go dry; and it is another thing for that tower to stick only three feet out of the dirt. The reanimation of geriatric zombie penises is yesterday's news; the producers of 60 Minutes recognized this and, happening upon this phthalate story, have simultaneously re-energized and lengthened the public obsession with swizzle sticks.